It is getting harder and harder for me to write for this thing.
I just can’t put my finger on why, though.
I enjoy talking about my healthy living journey. But, I just can’t think of anything to write.
It may be because I am ashamed that I seem to be sliding down the hill. Since we last talked I have gained back four pounds. Every time I feel like I know what I am doing I become a little more slack with the rules. Then I scoff at the scale when it shows I’ve gained weight. Like it disappointed me or something.
I really wish that food was something I never had to think about. That I could just eat and it would be alright. That I exercised enough to balance it all out. But, I can’t do that. I can’t go to food like an alcoholic can’t go to a bar. I become insatiable. In the past couple of weeks I have eaten: a whole package of Double Stuf Oreos (in 1.5 sittings), a series of different cookies, pizza, chips, mexican rice, and many other slip ups.
Nikki and I helped at a Disciple Now at the church last weekend. If you haven’t ever experienced this, it is kind of like a lock in with a bible study backbone. Parents were encouraged to bring snacks to satiate the young mouths for 2 days and boy did they. The moment I laid eyes on that table of sweets I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The worst part about it is that the kids barely touched a fourth of it. So, us diligent leaders were allowed to take some home. To a normal person this would mean at least a weeks worth of desserts. I ate them all by the next morning. To answer your question, no, I didn’t take everything off the table. Just one bag of cookies. But, I was ashamed of myself.
I really don’t know why it is so easy for me to fall into these traps, especially since I always feel terrible afterwards. Not emotionally, but physically. Our bodies were clearly not made to run like this.
I think, in the end, even though I can’t think of anything to write I have to keep writing on this blog. I have to have the accountability and I have to share my struggles. You all inspire me so much. I can’t give this up.
Not for all the Oreos north of the equator.