Tip the Scales

It is getting harder and harder for me to write for this thing.

I just can’t put my finger on why, though.

I enjoy talking about my healthy living journey. But, I just can’t think of anything to write.

It may be because I am ashamed that I seem to be sliding down the hill. Since we last talked I have gained back four pounds. Every time I feel like I know what I am doing I become a little more slack with the rules. Then I scoff at the scale when it shows I’ve gained weight. Like it disappointed me or something.

I really wish that food was something I never had to think about. That I could just eat and it would be alright. That I exercised enough to balance it all out. But, I can’t do that. I can’t go to food like an alcoholic can’t go to a bar. I become insatiable. In the past couple of weeks I have eaten: a whole package of Double Stuf Oreos (in 1.5 sittings), a series of different cookies, pizza, chips, mexican rice, and many other slip ups.

Nikki and I helped at a Disciple Now at the church last weekend. If you haven’t ever experienced this, it is kind of like a lock in with a bible study backbone. Parents were encouraged to bring snacks to satiate the young mouths for 2 days and boy did they. The moment I laid eyes on that table of sweets I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The worst part about it is that the kids barely touched a fourth of it. So, us diligent leaders were allowed to take some home. To a normal person this would mean at least a weeks worth of desserts. I ate them all by the next morning. To answer your question, no, I didn’t take everything off the table. Just one bag of cookies. But, I was ashamed of myself.

I really don’t know why it is so easy for me to fall into these traps, especially since I always feel terrible afterwards. Not emotionally, but physically. Our bodies were clearly not made to run like this.

I think, in the end, even though I can’t think of anything to write I have to keep writing on this blog. I have to have the accountability and I have to share my struggles. You all inspire me so much. I can’t give this up.

Not for all the Oreos north of the equator.

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12 responses

  1. You may just have to try drastic measures like dad did and go for a complete reboot. Keep with it. It’s easy to become ashamed and depressed, say eff it, and keep eating crap. Some “pop culture” advice; when there is something you know you want to do and your mind keeps throwing up road blocks, just know that you can drive right through them.

    • That was my initial intention when I bought my juicer, but I have come to a few conclusions: Juicing sucks and I hate doing it. It makes such a huge mess for little reward. I really admire Dad for being able to keep it up, because it is so annoying. That being said, there are tremendous benefits to it that should outweigh the negative. If I find myself unable to continue trying to eat well, I will definitely do the reboot. I will just have to change the way I do it and juice for the whole week like Dad does. Right now I hate juicing so much that I am going to keep trying to change my habits the conventional way.

      Thanks for the encouragement, it really helps.

      • I don’t know if this will help, but maybe if you think it long enough it will become a habit . . . . Since so many foods cause problems for me, I had to really start thinking of food as just fuel for my body. That’s not to say that I eat foods I don’t like just because they’re healthy. I enjoy the things I eat. But I really do stop and think before I put anything into my mouth . . . what are the benefits and/or consequences of eating this? I will always have a sweet tooth. That’s just a fact of life. So I have some kind of dessert every night. However, I try to make it with ingredients that have health benefits such as oats, a little dark chocolate, a little nut butter, bananas, pumpkin, etc. Usually there is no sugar involved at all. And if I’m using a recipe, it’s for a single serving. This satisfies my craving for desserts. I think another key is planning ahead. Don’t put yourself in the position of searching through the cabinets for something to eat.

        I could never juice. I hate it by proxy from just watching your dad do it. I really admire the fact that not only has he stuck with it, but that he is willing to go to all that trouble. But in the end we each have to find what will work for us for the rest of our lives.

      • Planning, unfortunately, was never my strong suit. Also, Nikki goes to bed way before I do and my brain considers that a free-for-all eating time. I need to start going to bed with her.

        Thanks for the help and advice!

  2. I just went back & read your first post from October. You gave up meat, you tried to switch to organics & do a fair amount of shopping in the natural food section, you juiced. Some of it has stuck, but not all, and that seems fair – those were huge changes. You’ve now got a great written record of the situations and foods that create challenges for you, and the ones that are easy wins, too. DON’T GIVE UP! Your health is too important. Set some smaller, more attainable goals – don’t worry about the next 100 pounds, focus on the next 10. Don’t think about the next week, just think about today. And, be forgiving and kind to yourself when you slip up, but don’t become your own enabler, either. You clearly have plenty of people around who want to support you, so lean on them when you need to, but know that you’ve got this. You can do it – and it might look different from the way anyone else is doing it, but that’s OK, too.

  3. I juiced for 3 weeks before anyone knew besides Angie. When I had some success was about the time Ryan came for a visit; he wanted to try it too. I warn him how hard it was how how nasty it can taste (depending on the veggies and fruit you use) . Juicing for me was my last ditch effort to make a change before my heath completely deteriorated. It is not a magic pill it is hard an takes tremendous will power (I hod no other choice; it was time to take back my life). It has worked and I have come to love the health benefits that come from it; BUT it is not for everyone. When I was younger I could drop 20 pounds by just cutting out sweets and changing a meal or two here and there. Now I can juice fast for a week and maybe lose a pound; I’m at the point where the fat I’m now trying to lose has been on me for 20 years or better. It will take time; but what else do I have but time. I look back on the times I made a change and was having some success and then I would fall off the wagon and be right back fatter than before. A year would go by and I would think “if only I had stuck with it I would be thin by now”. Consistency+effort+time= you can do anything; let one drop by the way side and your back to starting over again. Since I have had some luck and lost enough to feel so much better; I do not want to go back and I am very stubborn with anyone trying to get me to go out to eat or the old “eat this it’s just one piece, it want hurt you”……”yes it will don’t you understand I’m an addict; I’m trying to save my life here”. I’m so afraid i will go back and start eating; I almost lost it around Christmas…but I’m back on track for now; one foot in front of the other one step at a time. Your Mom is my hero also; because she reinvented how to eat when her body turned against her. We kept saying EAT your getting to skinny; all we could say was EAT! While everything she ate hurt her; finally she found the combination of foods an is living proof that is works for her. She can walk us all in the ground with a smile on her face. Find what works for you; what Y-O-U can live with and just let time do it’s thing. One day we will both get there; I believe in you as your believe in me! In time all good things come to those who wait…. impatient boy! : )

    • Well, you nailed it when you called me impatient boy. I like your “consistency + effort + time” idea. Technically that is how the Grand Canyon was created. It used to be an annoying hole in the ground and now it is a tourist attraction. I don’t think I will ever be a tourist attraction, but I can at least become a local oddity. “Didn’t he used to be fat?” the on lookers could be heard to say.

      • Your not an oddity; your Ev-bo the great! My Son. Beside fatties like me are the majority now-a-days not the odd man out. At any rate; just keep at it till you find what works for you; look how long it has taken me to find some success. But it could all go away with one Ben & Jerry’s benge; so I keep and eye out and try not to slip up on a bag of M&M’s.

  4. Evan, I don’t think you understand that we all thoroughly enjoy reading what you write. It is moving, funny, inspirational, and so many more adjectives. So . . . please don’t agonize over what you write, just sit down and let it flow through your fingertips. You are an excellent writer and we all miss it so much when you don’t write.

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