I majorly stumbled today.
I woke up thinking about pizza. I had eaten some last night when I was visiting with the Grays. Not too much, just a couple of pieces, but something about that taste made me think about it over and over again. Throughout the whole morning all I could see was pepperoni, stuffed crust and extra cheese.
My wife left early this morning to visit a friend. “This is my chance,” I thought, “I can go get a pizza without any judgmental eyes.” This is ludicrous of course, because my wife doesn’t judge me, she just worries about my health and tries to take care of me.
I was watching the Penn State game and thinking about how awesome it would be to have a pizza and a cold Mountain Dew to drink. I could no longer resist the temptation. I order my pizza online, got in the truck and drove the twenty minutes into town. Once procured, I placed the pie carefully in my passenger seat, lusting for what lay inside that cardboard box. I barely remember the ride home.
I put some ice in a cup, poured the Mountain Dew, sat down on the couch and within the hour the pizza was gone. While the pizza felt good while I was eating it, when I was done I felt immediate regret and shame. Why did I do that? Was it even worth it? I just ate at least three days worth of calories for nothing. To satiate my ridiculous desire. I am now convinced more than ever that food is a drug and I am addicted to it.
Will there be a day when I no longer have these cravings? I sincerely hope so. But, I know it won’t come without some very hard work. I pray for strength when the next craving comes. I pray that God will remind me of all the people who encourage and support me in my better health journey and help me to realize that I am letting you down as well.
That fire is out now, but there are still embers smoldering below the surface. Lord please cool those embers! I want to build a better fire. One that burns brighter and lasts longer. One that provides warmth not only to myself, but others. Lord give me the wisdom to use the right kindling and the best wood. I’m so tired of being cold and I need Your help.
Into Your Grace, I commit my stomach.